While Festivus can actually be held at any time of the year, we like to do things the Costanza way and celebrate just before Christmas on December 23rd – which also happens to be the day that the Emperor of Japan celebrates his birthday, thus earning yours truly a well-deserved public holiday.
Anyway, let us dispense with the pleasantries, it is Festivus, a time for the airing of grievances, feats of strength and miracles. Here are some of the things that have made my time on the planet a little less pleasant in 2010.
Parasitic Twitter followers. you know the sorts of people that follow you in the hope that you will follow them back, so that they can unfollow immediately in order to retain a ratio that makes them seem popular. They are the scum of the Interwebs, on an even keel with the folks that flood my spam box with penis pills. If I made (or kept) New Year’s resolutions, my resolution would be to create a great long Twitter list of shame called “Will follow and unfollow to boost his or her ratio”.
Inconsiderate road-users. Users of the road including, but most certainly not limited to, obnoxious drivers, cyclists who refuse to ride on the shoulder because they think they need a whole lane – usually because they are used to driving a car and don’t realize that they don’t need to take up quite as much space – people like that really make driving to and from work a miserable experience. Also, let’s not forget about Prius drivers who choose to trade speed for mileage and in so doing add 10 minutes to either side of my commute.
The baggage fondling security apparatus. Traveling used to be fun, they tell you that 9-11 stopped all of that, but really things started changing when that guy tried to blow up his shoes and really started to get crazy when a similarly minded loser failed to explode his tighty whities. Now we can’t get onto a plane without being irradiated or groped – even though the statistics point to us being as likely to die of cancer from the radiation as we are to be blown up by a terrorist. What sucks even more is that both of events are more likely to occur than me winning the lottery.
Professional athletes on 10-figure contracts. There is no way that a person’s skill with a bat, stick, racket or ball should entitle them to more than the doctors who fix them when they break down. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind watching sports, but do athletes really need to earn as much as the GDP of a small country?
Inconsiderate status updaters. “Cookies… yum” is not a status… and nobody wants to hear about the regularity of other people’s bowel movements. For the most part the “Ignore” feature has taken the sting out of this for me, but I hate the fact that I need to ignore. People need to know that the world doesn’t care about how the state of their digestive tract after that questionable curry that they decided to consume after a night on the booze – ignoring should not be necessary. I reserve a special sort of disdain for people that post suggestive or offensive comments on people’s Facebook walls, it is possible to communicate privately, you know.
People who think that countries should be governed in secrecy. It seems to me that most of the problems in the world stem from the fact that our politicians have been allowed to run. Secret notes, gossip, innuendo – he said, she said on a world stage. You know that thing that they say about having nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide – it should apply to the people that are saying it as well.
People that bitch about how much they hate their job but continue to do it anyway. If your job is making you miserable… quit. It is a simple choice that is open to almost anyone – unless you are in the military. The worst of this kind are people in high-paying positions (entertainment lawyers, bankers, advertising executives and otherwise uselessly employed individuals) who remind you that they couldn’t possibly live without all of the money.
Simon Cowell. The smarmy Englishman has unilaterally destroyed music as we know it. Over the years, music has become steadily shittier to the point that our artists are now chosen – not for their musical abilities – but for their ability to appeal to the television-watching masses. Being able to sing someone else’s songs really well does not make someone a musician.
Goodwill ambassadors. I like my stars and starlets to entertain me on the big screen and stay the hell out of world affairs. I understand that a symmetrical face and large public profile can lend itself to fund-raising ventures etc. I understand that such people can be good for charity. I just don’t need them to tell me what to think. Oh, and Sean Penn, I know that you love Hugo Chavez and everything – but have you seen what that guy is doing lately? You must feel like a real dumbass now.
Rich actors schlepping for the advertising industry. Did you know that Kevin Costner has previously sold canned coffee, or that Leonardo Di Caprio is the face for a tyre company? Probably not because they do that sort of thing in Japan where less people will see them. Seriously guys, you have millions of dollars, and the potential to make millions more from acting – well maybe not Kevin, you’re excused.
And why do hangovers have to suck so much?
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