Welp, my work is done here—no need to finish this story, because everything you need to know resides in that ridiculous, yet informative, headline.
But I will, because, as always, there’s more to the story.
Pictured here is Karl Ludwig Eichner of Naples, Florida, and he is the man in question who authorities say allegedly attacked a woman at the beach with a swim noodle because the two had a disagreement over a watermelon.
Naples News has all the sordid facts…
A woman who was at the beach with a friend observed a rotting watermelon that had been carved and shaped into a head sitting on the sand. The watermelon seemed to have been abandoned so she placed it in the ocean in hopes that it would disintegrate and not attract any bugs.
Eichner retrieved the watermelon from the ocean and placed it back on the beach.
The woman placed the watermelon in the ocean once again.
Eichner approached the woman with his swim noodle full of water and dumped the water on her as she was sitting on her towel. He then punched her in the cheek.
And there you have it. Makes sense doesn’t it, especially if you’re a believer in Eichner’s “No Fruit Left Behind” movement, which probably doesn’t exist, seeing that I just made it up. Or maybe the 68-year-old Eichner had befriended the watermelon, and gone to great pains naming it, giving it a background story, decorating it with an elaborate headdress, and yes, even loving it, a la the character “Wilson” in Tom Hanks’ Castaway.
Hey, if you’re dousing a woman with water from a swim noodle, then punching her in the face, anything’s possible.